Boyfriend? Grieved. Best Friend? Missing Him Like Crazy

Hey there my friends!

As I said before, I'm okay with being sad now. I'm okay with the knowing that we aren't together anymore. I miss Wayne so very much though. I miss the jokes we made and the laughs we shared. He and I could joke til we had tears in our eyes and we could talk about nothing all through the night. Before being my boyfriend he was my best friend. We would frequently speak in meme and just laugh. That was my favorite part of the relationship: the laughter. Because people can say little jokes and make you giggle or let out that little breath of air that's barely even half of an attempt at a laugh but he had a way of filling up my heart and mind with laughter that made my bellyache like no other. He and I both have a cheesy and funky sense of humor that wasn't quite the same but they complimented each other so perfectly, in ways I didn’t know my humor could be filled. I know he is already moving on and making future plans without me, not necessarily with other girls but just things for his life. I’m glad he isn’t extremely sad the way I am but I just don’t understand how he can just go back to his normal life. He’s hanging out with his old friends again. They don’t know the new Wayne who just started to like avocado or the one who started having a new outlook on things like church. He was MY best friend and now he’s back with the people who let him go out of mind when he went out of sight. He was my every thought, my every purpose, my everyday, my everything.
Does he miss his everyday? Because that used to be me. I used to be his every day and at some point it changed.

Oh the things I would do to see him smile one more time or hear his laugh again. It’s hard knowing I’ll never be the cause of his bellyaching laughters again or the person who paints a beautiful gigantic grin on his everso perfectly tanned face.

Ya te extraño.

A New Type of Sadness

Hey guys! 

So I have been so very sad. Not only sad but confused, angry, lost, frustrated, and absolutely wrecked and devastated. I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and someone had been pushing me closer and closer to the edge while paralyzing fear was just building up inside of me as I continuously shouted "no no please, no!" I felt so scared because I knew what was coming. I knew the edge of the cliff meant I was losing Wayne forever and I wasn't ready for that especially because I didn't expect it. I thought I was climbing a mountain for the journey and this immaculate view at the top when in reality I was hiking up so high to a cliff that felt would shatter everything inside of me. It was the death of the happiness I had been feeling for the past year and a half, it was the death of all the letters I had written and the memories we had made, it was the death of the plans we had and goals we set together. I wasn't ready for that. But are you ever ready? So these weeks have felt like I'm doing everything in my power to keep from going over this edge but my legs keep moving and all I can think is "THERE IS A CLIFF!!" yet my body continues to move towards it. All I can do is cry desperately and look for absolutely anything to stop my body from moving towards this fat ass heartbreak that was waiting for me.

Two nights ago Wayne called in the middle of the night completely hammered. He was telling me that he is so very sorry about everything that happened and that he feels like he completely failed me. He said that he loved me so much and that he was absolutely heartbroken that he was losing me. He said that the next journey he embarks on is going to be to prove himself. He kept saying how sorry he was and that I deserve the universe and that he never wants me to settle. He said that, even after he leaves the city, if I ever need him he will be there for me in a heartbeat. He apologized for not making me feel like I was his number one, although in his world I was, he never made me feel like it.

I was absolutely shocked because this whole time he had been so angry with me. He kept thanking God that we were over; continuously repeating "thank God I'm done with this." So I was convinced he didn't care at all. I thought he was off being extremely happy and elated to be away. But that phone call snapped me back into reality. I KNEW he loved me and even if it wasn't as much as I loved him I still knew he did. So it was almost naïve to believe that he didn't care. I realized that he was hurting and I wasn't the only one who didn't want to go over the cliff. It answered questions I didn't know I had and it made my heart okay with going over the cliff. It actually made me realize that I was already falling off. It made me realize that I had started the fall but I was so busy fighting it that I didn't realize I was actually doing it. So now I am left with one and only one question: why didn't he just hold my hand and turn away from the cliff. Why did he decide I wasn't worth fighting for. He said he realized it was his fault. He knows that he didn't try the way he could have or loved me as much as I deserved to be loved. **I never did anything to hurt him** but if he was so convinced that he had been letting me go why didn't he just hold on tighter? It's like he realized his grip was loosening and he just completely let go instead of grab onto me with both hands and pull me back in. If it had been the other way around and I had the choice I would choose him every single time. So I'm ready to let out the hurt and I'm ready to get through this because I've accepted that whether I liked it or not I was heading right over the cliff. I'm okay with it now, no matter what I did nothing could keep t from happening. But he did have the power. He wasn't the one kicking and screaming before being sent over, he was the one pushing me. So although he, just like me, wasn't happy about the heartbreak why did he still think that was better than fighting for me? So I'm falling and it's terrible but I know now that it'll be okay. I will be sad for a while but I want to control where I land. I want to grow through this so that next time I will have the strength to walk away; to stick my feet in the fucking ground and choose where I want to go and never give someone that kind of power again.

I don't like this but I'm okay with it. I'm not kicking and shouting, I'm just falling and that is okay; I'm okay. 

Do Drunk Mouths Speak Sober Minds?

He just told me that he realized that everything was his fault and that he stopped trying the way he used to because he got “too comfortable” with me and us. He said I deserved the universe and he only gave me the bare minimum. He said he never wants to be with anyone but me. He said he’ll either die alone as a Navy Seal or die married to me. He said everything he’s going to do in life is going to be to prove himself to both myself and him. He said it was all his fault and that he loves me so much. He said he wishes he could go back and write me all those letters I wanted and post pictures of me all over Instagram. He said I’m the best woman on the planet and to never settle. He said he wouldn’t ever want me to settle.

But he was drunk, absolutely plastered.

It’s sad that everything he’s saying to me while drunk has made me feel a type of comfort I haven’t felt before through this.

I will forever hold this conversation so near to my heart. I know  he was drunk but I don’t wanna know whether he meant it or not. Hearing him say it though was everything to me.

From We to Me

Hey Friends!
So this is my first post and I don't have any followers but I'm going to continue to talk like I have an audience anyway.
So, just to bring y'all up to speed, my boyfriend of about a year and a half broke up with me on May 8th, 2018. We will call him Wayne.  It has been extremely tough not only because all breakups are but because I felt like it was so unexpected. We were both just very different people when it came to handling situations and because of that, we never learned how to fight or have those uncomfortable but necessary conversations like: do we still want the same thing? or are we still growing together or separately? Because people do change and grow constantly and that's completely okay but it's important to embrace it! Growth is always a positive thing because no one is too smart to learn more or too old to start something new. He was such a beautiful person. His humor would leave tummies sore and his smile would melt hearts. He was such a great listener, his advice wasn't always the best but he made me feel heard. We started out as friends and grew into something more. We had the type of relationship where our friendship came first. Of course we had wonderful "omg I have butterflies" romance but we could joke and laugh together like no other. We moved in together after about a year of dating but had been basically living together prior to that. We both go to college (it's actually how we met) away from home so we became each other's family very quickly. Bad days turned into my best days the moment I came home to him and our dog. He truly felt like my best friend and I felt like my life was set. We had fights like every other couple but because we never learned how to fight effectively, they grew into disastrous monsters causing damage in our relationship when they could've easily been resolved with a little budge from both parties. He was stubborn beyond belief and I'm very sensitive. I think without us realizing it, our relationship grew toxic. I didn't give him space when he needed it and he wasn't there for me when I needed him. He yelled at me, he put his hands on me, he jabbed at my insecurities, he broke me down trying to pick himself back up. I know you're probably thinking "how does that happen and you still don't realize the toxicity?" Well I thought I had enough love for the both of us. I thought I would be able to change myself enough to be what HE needed so that we could work together. I was too focused working on Justine the girlfriend before working on Justine the woman. The first time he yelled at me we were on the phone and then he rushed right over to my apartment to beg for my forgiveness and I forgave him because everyone gets mad sometimes, right? And then his shouting became justified by him explaining to me that I need to learn to give him space if he needs it. So I agreed that I deserved it because I didn't give him the space he needed, right? And then he put his hands on me because I wasn't listening to him. And I needed to be disciplined because I wasn't following his rules and he just needed to let his anger out and that's what I'm there for, right? Eventually I learned his triggers and what I was and wasn't allowed to do and I tried my hardest to be the most supportive, loving, and disciplined girlfriend I could be. Right before our breakup there was a coworker who liked me, lets call him Chris, and he told me what an amazing woman I was and how I deserved the world. I liked that. I liked the idea of being deserving of the world for ME, not for the disciplined person I was trying to be but ME. Now, I never fell for this guy or imagined a future with him but I wanted to be seen the way he had seen me but by Wayne. I wanted so badly for Wayne to see me this way. I wanted to give him all of my life and earn his love by being myself not having to prove myself. So the night of our breakup, we went to my work's potluck. It was a fun time, we were playing cards, eating, and having a good time. We left and Wayne was triggered. I was so confused because I wore something I knew he wouldn't have an issue with me wearing and was completely focused on him the way he likes me to be. So you can imagine my surprise when he doesn't want to touch me, talk to me, not even look at me. So immediately I wondered, could he tell that Chris liked me? Did Chris smile at me too long? OMG WHAT HAPPENED???