From We to Me

Hey Friends!
So this is my first post and I don't have any followers but I'm going to continue to talk like I have an audience anyway.
So, just to bring y'all up to speed, my boyfriend of about a year and a half broke up with me on May 8th, 2018. We will call him Wayne.  It has been extremely tough not only because all breakups are but because I felt like it was so unexpected. We were both just very different people when it came to handling situations and because of that, we never learned how to fight or have those uncomfortable but necessary conversations like: do we still want the same thing? or are we still growing together or separately? Because people do change and grow constantly and that's completely okay but it's important to embrace it! Growth is always a positive thing because no one is too smart to learn more or too old to start something new. He was such a beautiful person. His humor would leave tummies sore and his smile would melt hearts. He was such a great listener, his advice wasn't always the best but he made me feel heard. We started out as friends and grew into something more. We had the type of relationship where our friendship came first. Of course we had wonderful "omg I have butterflies" romance but we could joke and laugh together like no other. We moved in together after about a year of dating but had been basically living together prior to that. We both go to college (it's actually how we met) away from home so we became each other's family very quickly. Bad days turned into my best days the moment I came home to him and our dog. He truly felt like my best friend and I felt like my life was set. We had fights like every other couple but because we never learned how to fight effectively, they grew into disastrous monsters causing damage in our relationship when they could've easily been resolved with a little budge from both parties. He was stubborn beyond belief and I'm very sensitive. I think without us realizing it, our relationship grew toxic. I didn't give him space when he needed it and he wasn't there for me when I needed him. He yelled at me, he put his hands on me, he jabbed at my insecurities, he broke me down trying to pick himself back up. I know you're probably thinking "how does that happen and you still don't realize the toxicity?" Well I thought I had enough love for the both of us. I thought I would be able to change myself enough to be what HE needed so that we could work together. I was too focused working on Justine the girlfriend before working on Justine the woman. The first time he yelled at me we were on the phone and then he rushed right over to my apartment to beg for my forgiveness and I forgave him because everyone gets mad sometimes, right? And then his shouting became justified by him explaining to me that I need to learn to give him space if he needs it. So I agreed that I deserved it because I didn't give him the space he needed, right? And then he put his hands on me because I wasn't listening to him. And I needed to be disciplined because I wasn't following his rules and he just needed to let his anger out and that's what I'm there for, right? Eventually I learned his triggers and what I was and wasn't allowed to do and I tried my hardest to be the most supportive, loving, and disciplined girlfriend I could be. Right before our breakup there was a coworker who liked me, lets call him Chris, and he told me what an amazing woman I was and how I deserved the world. I liked that. I liked the idea of being deserving of the world for ME, not for the disciplined person I was trying to be but ME. Now, I never fell for this guy or imagined a future with him but I wanted to be seen the way he had seen me but by Wayne. I wanted so badly for Wayne to see me this way. I wanted to give him all of my life and earn his love by being myself not having to prove myself. So the night of our breakup, we went to my work's potluck. It was a fun time, we were playing cards, eating, and having a good time. We left and Wayne was triggered. I was so confused because I wore something I knew he wouldn't have an issue with me wearing and was completely focused on him the way he likes me to be. So you can imagine my surprise when he doesn't want to touch me, talk to me, not even look at me. So immediately I wondered, could he tell that Chris liked me? Did Chris smile at me too long? OMG WHAT HAPPENED???



Wayne gets mad, gets physical, then storms out of our apartment. I'm completely devastated because I upset him and have no idea why. He sleeps in the living room completely disregarding my sobs. Two days later I tried to kill myself and was very close to being successful and never will I forget the feeling of wanting to diem physically dying, or the desperation of wanting to save my life; the very life I had tried to take just minutes before. I can't believe I let a man think my life wasn't worth living anymore. After everything my mom did for me and I was going to throw it all away for Wayne, the guy who ended our relationship so suddenly without the slightest of explanations.
About a week later he breaks silence when I ask him while sobbing "what did I do? what's going on?" and he replies with "don't act stupid, you know what you did. I don't trust you." Instantly my world completely exploded and I felt like I physically imploded. I proceeded to ask if he hated me and he said "I haven't decided."  Today is 19 days since he broke up with me and quite honestly I am still in so much pain. He moved out yesterday and our apartment is empty, well actually my apartment is empty. He wanted to talk yesterday for final closure and he told me he's ready to move on and be okay because he "forgave me" but FORGAVE ME FOR WHAT??? He won't be honest with me and tell me straight up, he just tortures me with insinuations to remind himself through the torture that he has the upper hand. That he is the one with the power. The I am not worthy of knowing. It feels like he knows I'm imploding and wants to knock me over to make matters worse. WHY AM I LETTING HIM??? WHY?

He is taking completely control of my heart and ripping it to shreds and not even telling me what I did to deserve that! At least after the other fights and arguments he explained to me what I did wrong, but this time? He just walked away and is making me feel extremely guilty while doing it! HE'S COMPLETELY BREAKING ME AND IM HELPING HIM BY GIVING HIM THAT POWER.
But how do I take back control? How do I get what's left of my heart back? I'm tearing every part of me and my heart apart looking for what made him leave me. I don't remember what life was like before him and I didn't have a future planned that didn't include him. How do I be okay when the person I loved the most truly believes I did something to hurt and betray him? I am very lost and I have more emotions than I know what to do with.

I'm starting this blog because I need to get my emotions out somehow, some way. I can love him and want the best for him but I cant keep letting him hurt me. So, you guys can be my best friends who listen to my thoughts and emotions and everything my heart and mind are trying to say.