Hey guys!
So I have been so very sad. Not only sad but confused, angry, lost, frustrated, and absolutely wrecked and devastated. I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and someone had been pushing me closer and closer to the edge while paralyzing fear was just building up inside of me as I continuously shouted "no no please, no!" I felt so scared because I knew what was coming. I knew the edge of the cliff meant I was losing Wayne forever and I wasn't ready for that especially because I didn't expect it. I thought I was climbing a mountain for the journey and this immaculate view at the top when in reality I was hiking up so high to a cliff that felt would shatter everything inside of me. It was the death of the happiness I had been feeling for the past year and a half, it was the death of all the letters I had written and the memories we had made, it was the death of the plans we had and goals we set together. I wasn't ready for that. But are you ever ready? So these weeks have felt like I'm doing everything in my power to keep from going over this edge but my legs keep moving and all I can think is "THERE IS A CLIFF!!" yet my body continues to move towards it. All I can do is cry desperately and look for absolutely anything to stop my body from moving towards this fat ass heartbreak that was waiting for me.
Two nights ago Wayne called in the middle of the night completely hammered. He was telling me that he is so very sorry about everything that happened and that he feels like he completely failed me. He said that he loved me so much and that he was absolutely heartbroken that he was losing me. He said that the next journey he embarks on is going to be to prove himself. He kept saying how sorry he was and that I deserve the universe and that he never wants me to settle. He said that, even after he leaves the city, if I ever need him he will be there for me in a heartbeat. He apologized for not making me feel like I was his number one, although in his world I was, he never made me feel like it.
I was absolutely shocked because this whole time he had been so angry with me. He kept thanking God that we were over; continuously repeating "thank God I'm done with this." So I was convinced he didn't care at all. I thought he was off being extremely happy and elated to be away. But that phone call snapped me back into reality. I KNEW he loved me and even if it wasn't as much as I loved him I still knew he did. So it was almost naïve to believe that he didn't care. I realized that he was hurting and I wasn't the only one who didn't want to go over the cliff. It answered questions I didn't know I had and it made my heart okay with going over the cliff. It actually made me realize that I was already falling off. It made me realize that I had started the fall but I was so busy fighting it that I didn't realize I was actually doing it. So now I am left with one and only one question: why didn't he just hold my hand and turn away from the cliff. Why did he decide I wasn't worth fighting for. He said he realized it was his fault. He knows that he didn't try the way he could have or loved me as much as I deserved to be loved. **I never did anything to hurt him** but if he was so convinced that he had been letting me go why didn't he just hold on tighter? It's like he realized his grip was loosening and he just completely let go instead of grab onto me with both hands and pull me back in. If it had been the other way around and I had the choice I would choose him every single time. So I'm ready to let out the hurt and I'm ready to get through this because I've accepted that whether I liked it or not I was heading right over the cliff. I'm okay with it now, no matter what I did nothing could keep t from happening. But he did have the power. He wasn't the one kicking and screaming before being sent over, he was the one pushing me. So although he, just like me, wasn't happy about the heartbreak why did he still think that was better than fighting for me? So I'm falling and it's terrible but I know now that it'll be okay. I will be sad for a while but I want to control where I land. I want to grow through this so that next time I will have the strength to walk away; to stick my feet in the fucking ground and choose where I want to go and never give someone that kind of power again.
I don't like this but I'm okay with it. I'm not kicking and shouting, I'm just falling and that is okay; I'm okay.
Two nights ago Wayne called in the middle of the night completely hammered. He was telling me that he is so very sorry about everything that happened and that he feels like he completely failed me. He said that he loved me so much and that he was absolutely heartbroken that he was losing me. He said that the next journey he embarks on is going to be to prove himself. He kept saying how sorry he was and that I deserve the universe and that he never wants me to settle. He said that, even after he leaves the city, if I ever need him he will be there for me in a heartbeat. He apologized for not making me feel like I was his number one, although in his world I was, he never made me feel like it.
I was absolutely shocked because this whole time he had been so angry with me. He kept thanking God that we were over; continuously repeating "thank God I'm done with this." So I was convinced he didn't care at all. I thought he was off being extremely happy and elated to be away. But that phone call snapped me back into reality. I KNEW he loved me and even if it wasn't as much as I loved him I still knew he did. So it was almost naïve to believe that he didn't care. I realized that he was hurting and I wasn't the only one who didn't want to go over the cliff. It answered questions I didn't know I had and it made my heart okay with going over the cliff. It actually made me realize that I was already falling off. It made me realize that I had started the fall but I was so busy fighting it that I didn't realize I was actually doing it. So now I am left with one and only one question: why didn't he just hold my hand and turn away from the cliff. Why did he decide I wasn't worth fighting for. He said he realized it was his fault. He knows that he didn't try the way he could have or loved me as much as I deserved to be loved. **I never did anything to hurt him** but if he was so convinced that he had been letting me go why didn't he just hold on tighter? It's like he realized his grip was loosening and he just completely let go instead of grab onto me with both hands and pull me back in. If it had been the other way around and I had the choice I would choose him every single time. So I'm ready to let out the hurt and I'm ready to get through this because I've accepted that whether I liked it or not I was heading right over the cliff. I'm okay with it now, no matter what I did nothing could keep t from happening. But he did have the power. He wasn't the one kicking and screaming before being sent over, he was the one pushing me. So although he, just like me, wasn't happy about the heartbreak why did he still think that was better than fighting for me? So I'm falling and it's terrible but I know now that it'll be okay. I will be sad for a while but I want to control where I land. I want to grow through this so that next time I will have the strength to walk away; to stick my feet in the fucking ground and choose where I want to go and never give someone that kind of power again.
I don't like this but I'm okay with it. I'm not kicking and shouting, I'm just falling and that is okay; I'm okay.
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