Hey Friends!
So this is my first post and I don't have any followers but I'm going to continue to talk like I have an audience anyway.
So, just to bring y'all up to speed, my boyfriend of about a year and a half broke up with me on May 8th, 2018. We will call him Wayne. It has been extremely tough not only because all breakups are but because I felt like it was so unexpected. We were both just very different people when it came to handling situations and because of that, we never learned how to fight or have those uncomfortable but necessary conversations like: do we still want the same thing? or are we still growing together or separately? Because people do change and grow constantly and that's completely okay but it's important to embrace it! Growth is always a positive thing because no one is too smart to learn more or too old to start something new. He was such a beautiful person. His humor would leave tummies sore and his smile would melt hearts. He was such a great listener, his advice wasn't always the best but he made me feel heard. We started out as friends and grew into something more. We had the type of relationship where our friendship came first. Of course we had wonderful "omg I have butterflies" romance but we could joke and laugh together like no other. We moved in together after about a year of dating but had been basically living together prior to that. We both go to college (it's actually how we met) away from home so we became each other's family very quickly. Bad days turned into my best days the moment I came home to him and our dog. He truly felt like my best friend and I felt like my life was set. We had fights like every other couple but because we never learned how to fight effectively, they grew into disastrous monsters causing damage in our relationship when they could've easily been resolved with a little budge from both parties. He was stubborn beyond belief and I'm very sensitive. I think without us realizing it, our relationship grew toxic. I didn't give him space when he needed it and he wasn't there for me when I needed him. He yelled at me, he put his hands on me, he jabbed at my insecurities, he broke me down trying to pick himself back up. I know you're probably thinking "how does that happen and you still don't realize the toxicity?" Well I thought I had enough love for the both of us. I thought I would be able to change myself enough to be what HE needed so that we could work together. I was too focused working on Justine the girlfriend before working on Justine the woman. The first time he yelled at me we were on the phone and then he rushed right over to my apartment to beg for my forgiveness and I forgave him because everyone gets mad sometimes, right? And then his shouting became justified by him explaining to me that I need to learn to give him space if he needs it. So I agreed that I deserved it because I didn't give him the space he needed, right? And then he put his hands on me because I wasn't listening to him. And I needed to be disciplined because I wasn't following his rules and he just needed to let his anger out and that's what I'm there for, right? Eventually I learned his triggers and what I was and wasn't allowed to do and I tried my hardest to be the most supportive, loving, and disciplined girlfriend I could be. Right before our breakup there was a coworker who liked me, lets call him Chris, and he told me what an amazing woman I was and how I deserved the world. I liked that. I liked the idea of being deserving of the world for ME, not for the disciplined person I was trying to be but ME. Now, I never fell for this guy or imagined a future with him but I wanted to be seen the way he had seen me but by Wayne. I wanted so badly for Wayne to see me this way. I wanted to give him all of my life and earn his love by being myself not having to prove myself. So the night of our breakup, we went to my work's potluck. It was a fun time, we were playing cards, eating, and having a good time. We left and Wayne was triggered. I was so confused because I wore something I knew he wouldn't have an issue with me wearing and was completely focused on him the way he likes me to be. So you can imagine my surprise when he doesn't want to touch me, talk to me, not even look at me. So immediately I wondered, could he tell that Chris liked me? Did Chris smile at me too long? OMG WHAT HAPPENED???
